Updated: November 5, 2022
When it comes to Christian teen dating, and as someone who has taught on the topic of purity for over 15 years, these are the most common questions I either got personally asked or have heard asked in different types of panels regarding sex. Teenage question and answer panels are always popular especially with topics like sex, relationships, and anything related to Christian teen dating.
I was also curious to hear what teens were asking who weren’t Christian to see if there were any similarities in their questions. I decided to do some research on what the top questions were so I went online to read some popular non-Christian teen magazines to hear what their reader’s top questions were and the magazine’s answers to them. After I woke up from the floor and drank some water, I decided this post was mission critical!
I didn’t grow up Christian so many of these magazines were magazines I used to read as a teen as well. Reading their answers to these questions made me realize why my former teen year old self was as sexual as she was.
The source we go to when we have vulnerable questions especially in the topic of sex is important because it will become the foundation by what we think and how we function.
“All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God[a] may be complete, equipped for every good work.” (2 Tim. 3:16-17)
When you don’t have Godly parents or mentors to speak truth into your life, you’re left with what the world deems as “okay” or “harmless” and even labeled as “great advice”. All hidden amongst the fabulous pictures of the latest fashion, celebrity stories, and perfume samples.
The advice I read made me so grateful God called me to the sexual purity ministry and led me to write this post so I can hopefully help teens with their Christian teen dating questions. I truly love all of you and don’t mind sharing my crazy testimony at all because I want to help you all achieve life the way God INTENDED! I want you to take my story and make it yours so you don’t have to go through what I went through or if you went through a similar situation I went through, you can see how God can restore and redeem. You can read my testimony HERE if you haven’t read it already.
I did it the world’s way and I did it God’s way. Let me tell you! God’s way is way better.
With the world, I got an STD, an abortion, a divorce, broken relationships, abusive relationships, you name it! With God, I received forgiveness, purpose, an amazing husband (who I still crush on to this day), beautiful children, along with countless other blessings.
If I could go back and give sex advice to my teen year old self, it definitely wouldn’t have been ANY of what I read. [Frantically searching for my water] Anyway, down below is what I would have said. If you’re interested, keep reading and if you’re not, keep reading. I mean you made it this far, right? Might as well!
So, let’s get to it! Here are some of the questions that aren’t directly quoted but are a consensus of the majority of what I read. I’ve also added some questions I remember having as a teen year old (totally made that word up), questions I’ve been asked by teens, and there are some questions I believe the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart to answer for you. Grab some popcorn, a latte (maybe not at the same time or maybe at the same time…no judgment here), and scroll to your heart’s desire.
Christian Teen Dating: Top 10 Questions Christian Teens Have About Sex:
Question #1: How long should I wait until I have sex?
Answer: You probably already know what I’m going to say but if you don’t know me yet, the answer is you wait until marriage. Yes, I know. Stay with me!
Sex was never given to be something you do as a hobby, job, a dare, for pure entertainment, or whatever reason given outside of God’s original design. There are two major purposes in God’s design for sex and those two reasons are for bonding and babies.
Sex was meant to bond you to your husband. It’s an act to each other to help keep the connection of holy matrimony. There are literal hormones called oxytocin that is released when two people engage in sex and sexual activities. If you have ever wondered why someone who has engaged in sexual activity with another person and can’t seem to get over them, it’s because of this. There wasn’t meant to be separation after two people engaged in sex together.
“Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” (1 Cor. 7:1-2)
Marriage protects you. It removes the consequences of having sex outside of marriage that can come in the form of questions like, “Is he going to call me?” or “How long should I wait to talk to him?” or “Will I ever see him again?” or “What if I get pregnant?” It can also keep you from issues like the infamous “walk of shame” or getting dirty looks from others.
I mean really think about it. How can you possibly count how many days, hours, or minutes are deemed worthy enough to give away your body and be completely vulnerable and under a judgmental eye of someone you barely know? Who gets to be the judge of that?
Some of us are self-conscious walking to a seat in the lunchroom as it is. Now add that awkwardness times a thousand when you’re at the mercy of someone, who did not make a commitment of marriage (by actually marrying you not just saying they would), and told people what ya’ll did. I’m speaking from experience. Keep in mind, this is not to condemn you if this actually happened to you like it did to me. I’m trying to save others from experiencing that. If it has happened to you, God has the power to change it all around, so don’t give up. This is for those who can possibly avoid this from happening.
Remember, marriage is God’s protection.
Question #2: What if I already had sex?
Answer: People think purity is only for virgins. When I first started teaching sexual purity, people came against me doing it because what about those who aren’t virgins. There are things non-virgins can still learn like being able to turn it all around like I did. I didn’t start my sexual purity journey until I was in my mid-twenties, divorced, a single Mom, with an STD, you name it! When God says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come (2 Cor. 5:17).” He means it!
Even if you’re lying in bed with someone right now, reading this, and decide, “That’s it! I’m tired of living this way. I’m going to become a born-again virgin and live the way God is calling me to live.” You can absolutely decide that right now. Don’t wait, get dressed, and leave. Run towards what God has for you!
Jesus Christ died for our freedom so at any time when we repent, decide, and commit to living the life of purity, it’s done!
There is no timeframe on choosing His way. We don’t have to wait 3-5 business days or wait at least 48 hours. It’s done! No one has the power or authority to say anything against it. You are allowed the VERY second you decide to be different, to start acting different.
Why? Because He said so!
Question #3: What if I want to have sex?
Answer: You may be saying, “Hey, I want to have sex. I think it’s fun. I enjoy it and other people. What’s the big deal?” I get it. Sex was made to be enjoyed.
However, it was meant to be enjoyed within certain boundaries so you can fully enjoy sex to the extent and satisfaction God deemed it to be. That’s IN marriage. A Godly, safe, and healthy marriage provides safety, comfort, protection, peace, and I could go on and on.
If you have declared with your mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior but declare with your body something completely opposite, then you are aligning your life with the devil and not Christ. The Lord has a plan for your life and the devil has a plan for your life. Which one are you going to choose?
Some have literally said, “I want the devil’s way. It’s fun!”
“Fun” no longer becomes “fun” when you’ve been through multiple breakups, have an STD, shame, guilt, or worse no feelings at all. This is my testimony which you can read HERE if you haven’t already. It’s no longer fun when your years have past and all of a sudden you realize all the mistakes you made.
If you’re not having “fun” while being a Christian, you’re doing it wrong. I can honestly say in the years of not having Jesus Christ and in the years of having Jesus Christ, I’ve had the most rewarding and satisfying times of fun in Christ.
At the end of the day, We never know what sin will end up doing to us. The enemy keeps that a secret. It might be “fun” right now having sex whenever and with whoever but I’m letting you know, that will change. As someone who was popular, dated pretty much whoever she wanted, and did all the things “fun”. There came a point when sin gave full birth and it was devastating. Don’t let that be you. Please, and if it is you, you can make the choice to stop now and ask the Lord to bring you back on the path of life He has for you.
Question #4: How do I tell my boyfriend or girlfriend I don’t want to have sex?
Answer: Simple. “Hey [enter boyfriend or girlfriend’s name], I don’t want to have sex.” I know, I know, that’s too easy and there’s feelings involved including being scared that you’ll lose the relationship, etc.
One sure preventative way to help set you up for success is to say it BEFORE you catch feelings with anyone, date them, start getting close, you get the point. This is what I had to do with my hubby when we first started hanging out.
When you have strong convictions it is that much easier to stand on them. Shoot, shout it from the rooftops so everyone knows you are waiting for marriage. This way everyone’s on the same page and it’s not a surprise when you fall back to your default answer of “Nope!” when you are asked to go further than what you are committed to do. However, if for whatever reason you hadn’t come to terms with waiting for marriage until after you started dating or were too scared to, ask the Lord for help.
Think of it like this, if you can’t have an honest conversation where you feel completely comfortable talking about your convictions (aka your want to wait for marriage to have sex), then it seems as if you don’t trust your partner. I would definitely take some time to think about why that is and if you need to be in relationship at all right now.
Question #5: What if my boyfriend or girlfriend want to have sex and I don’t?
Answer: It’s always difficult when it comes to matters of the heart to be completely honest because we feel that we may lose the relationship. My question to you is, “Do you love God more?”
We have to love God more. He is God and no one or nothing should replace Him. When we want to disobey His commandments, we have either put ourselves or someone else as God in our life; that is a dangerous place to be in. We make awful gods. No one can handle the weight of being someone’s god. The best example of this is seeing the lives of celebrities. The weight of glory that is supposed to be given to God, tears up their lives.
God must always stay on the throne of your life, He is the only One Who can handle it. If they truly love you, then they will wait. If they don’t have the best intentions for you, then they won’t. You will be happy later when you stand your ground because then you get to see what they really want, your heart or just your body. There were several times in my purity journey and dating, where all they wanted was my body and their selfish desires to be fulfilled. It didn’t matter if it was me or someone else as long as they got what they wanted. Thank the Lord I stood my ground because then I was able to meet my hubby and protect what God had for us. I truly believe if we had sex before marriage, then this blog wouldn’t exist.
Question #6: What if I said I want to have sex and now I don’t?
Answer: I remember saying a lot of things whether it was wanting to have sex or do sexual things because I thought that’s what they wanted to hear. I thought it was cool (I really did…all the popular girls were doing it so I thought I could too). Unfortunately, I found myself in situations where I felt pressured to actually go through with whatever it was I said even when I didn’t want to. You can say, “No.”
These pressures can happen even in Christian teen dating but know this, You don’t owe anyone, anything! You can absolutely take back what you said and end all conversations about the subject. If you feel too scared, have a mentor, parent, or friend write it out for you, and help you express it.
Again, just because you said something, doesn’t mean you have to do it! Strength is in numbers so if you need to bring someone with you, then do it.
Sometimes we don’t know the right words or we are bound or have feelings for someone in such a way that it can paralyze us. It’s okay to have someone help and hopefully you can learn how to do it for yourself the next time if you happen to fall into talking about things you shouldn’t. However, make it a practice to watch what you say and make sure it glorifies God at all times.
Question #7: What if my parents don’t mind if I have sex?
Answer: Unfortunately, there are some parents who don’t care, don’t know better, may provide the opportunity for you to do it, feel like you’re not a man or woman until you have sex, or whatever this looks like to you. Remember it is YOUR life and at this age, you are at the age of accountability which means you know what you’re doing and you will be held accountable to God.
Another unfortunate reality is that church hasn’t really talked about when you are held accountable. There is a point when you move from child to adulthood and are held accountable for your actions in the sight of God. There was no such thing as being a teenager in biblical times the way we know it now. Youth, yes. However, in their youth they were still called to holiness.
The reality is we all have to stand before God one day and we never know when that will be. Our defense won’t hold up in the courtrooms of God by saying, “Well my parents said it was okay.” As teenagers, you are being held accountable for what you do and God is calling you to holiness.
This is where you may need to lean heavily on the strength of your mentors, Pastors, accountability people, and ask God for help. This may also be a chance to be an example for your parents. Discuss with them why you are waiting!
Whether or not your parents are believers, there are some believing parents for some reason who think it’s okay, this may be their chance to see how it’s done God’s way and could possibly change their own thinking and behavior.
Question #8: What if my parents want me to have sex and I don’t?
Answer: It really hurts me to answer this question because this is such an attack from the enemy and I would never put my children in this predicament. Unfortunately, this is the reality for many of you.
Regardless of your age, your first obligation is to obey God first. One of the biggest challenges of Christian teen dating is sometimes you are at the mercy of being under someone else’s roof. You don’t want to feel like you’re dishonoring them. What does the Bible say about it?
In the bible it talks about honoring and obeying your Mother and Father.
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Eph. 6:1-4)
However, there is a double responsibility. First, children are to honor and obey. Second, parents are to bring their children up in the way of the Lord and not provoke them.
Premarital sex or sexual acts are NOT in the way of the Lord.
Therefore, you do not have to honor or obey your parents in this instance. Honoring God comes first, say no, and ask for help! There may be a bigger issue if you are being forced to do something you don’t want to do.
Question #9: What if I don’t have sex but do other things instead?
Answer: This goes along with the question I’ve heard asked many times, “How far is too far?” The bottom line of this question is the heart issue. Can you imagine your boyfriend or girlfriend asking you, “How far is too far for it to considered cheating?” You would probably answer, “Pretty much anything or anyone that takes the place of me in your heart!”
Being super flirty, sexting, maybe just a little kiss here and there, doing other things but “not really” having sex, all these things and more we would probably consider cheating. I know I would!
God is God and He will allow no one to take His place. Who have you made into your idol? What high places have we set up in our life concerning sex? We must tear it down otherwise He will and it will be for your own good. Getting the STD was a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing because it stopped me in my tracks and set things in order. God first! Not sex or no one.
Don’t get to a place where consequences will be the only thing to stop you. Let it be your love for God that stops you.
Question #10: Why should I wait and do it God’s way?
Answer: So, I left this question for last because by now I pray you can answer this question for yourself. By now we should know that it is our love for Him that we want to do it His way. Yes, we get all the benefits from obeying, but our love for Him should be the motivating factor.
His commandments are not burdensome. We may think it is because of what we want in the moment, but when we truly realize it is a love offering onto our God to obey His commands. Obeying becomes that much easier.
God already proved His love for us, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). Allow this scripture to be what it is, the reason behind it all and please don’t just push it off as some overused Christian quote. Let our lives truly be a love sacrifice back onto Him for what He did for us.
It’s time our behavior starts to catch up with our faith.
Will there be struggles along the way? Yes. Will we mess up sometimes? Yes. However, that doesn’t give us the option to give up, (Read: Romans 6:1-7). Wait and see, the Lord WILL bless you abundantly in ways you would’ve have never guessed.
Phew! This was a long one and if you made it this far, you are the real MVP, “Motivated Valuable Person”, who strived to make it all the way through this post because you know Christian teen dating can have many challenges. I try to be as real as I can in answering these questions because life is real and I know teenagers can handle it. I’ve seen your Science and Math homework. I will not do what people suggest and that’s dumbing down God. Teenagers are not dumb! They are very intelligent so I will speak to that intelligence.
Please know I absolutely have your best interest at heart and 100% want you to succeed in this journey of sexual purity. I pray this post blessed you and if there are any other questions you may have about sexual purity or something you may want me to elaborate on, feel free to contact me. There will be other posts to come. Check out the other posts on the blogsite. There may be an answer already on here for you.
Baskets of Blessings,
Jesus, family, ministry, and lots of coffee! My heart comes from being a young teen girl who didn’t know much and found Jesus in a dark time. My ministry focuses on the heart of God for this generation to make Godly decisions especially in the area of purity. A blog for all ages because God’s Word is eternal and has no age limit!